Dancing on Daddy’s Feet: What it Means to Rejoice

We’ve all seen images of little girls dancing on their Daddy’s feet as he twirls them around.  For me, the dance was at a higher elevation…my Daddy spun in circles with me perched on his shoulders.

Whatever form it takes, every little girl longs for her Daddy to notice her and take joy in her.  The CAPTIVATING retreat confirmed what I learned long ago in mentoring young women…the core question of every woman since Eve has been, “Do you delight in me?”  The question originates in the heart of every little girl prancing in her frilly pink dress in front of her Daddy, or in my case giggling in my bare feet standing on Daddy’s shoulders… excitedly anticipating him so enraptured with his daughter  he cannot help but exclaim, “You are Beautiful!”

 However a Daddy answers his daughter’s deep soul question sets the stage for how she interacts with men for the rest of her life.

My Daddy seized opportunities to feed my heart.  Even as a little girl he told me I was beautiful.  I wasn’t, at least not by any cultural standards of the day.  Truthfully, I was a physical mess. Stringy, long orange-red hair.  Freckles plastered all over my face.  Thick, black-rimmed glasses.  Scrawny body supported by match sticks posing as legs.

One evening I sprawled out on the living room floor in front of the television, mesmerized by the Miss America pageant.  Daddy sat down beside me, rubbed my tangled hairs and declared, “Someday you’ll be up there on that stage.”  His smile still radiates inside my mind though I saw it through tears of incredulous surprise.  As ugly as I was in the world’s eyes, I felt beautiful, not because of what the world said about me but because of what Daddy KNEW.  He knew my heart and in it he saw Beauty. 

All my life I longed for a man who saw me as Daddy did.  A man who looks beyond the temporal externals to my heart and soul.  A man who embraces the Beauty in me, who delights in me with all his heart, who inspires me to believe again that I could grace life’s Miss America runway, not because of anything form-fitting or glittering with sequins, not because of anything I’ve smeared across my face or sweat off in the gym.  But simply because in my soul, I mirror Jesus.

A woman’s experiences with men can leave her wounded into believing horrible things about herself.  Somewhere amidst the years of my heart being abused and neglected, I began to accept as fact endless messages from my enemy about who I am and what I deserve.  In every epic story the Villain goes after the Beauty.  Satan presented me messages I accepted as fact and buried them deep within me.   The brunt of those messages, “I am not enough,” and “No matter what I do, I will never be enough.”  I dragged my woundedness into the CAPTIVATING retreat.  On the outside I carried myself with Miss America poise but on the inside I walked with a debilitating limp.

“Man…or woman…though standing upright, is but a puff of wind, moving like a phantom.” ~Psalm 39:5b

 “ I am poor and needy and my heart is wounded within me.”  ~Psalm 109:22

 Thankfully God loved me too much to leave me in that condition.  Like a bone  healing crooked is re-broken in order that the patient might regain full use of the limb, God beckoned me to break the false beliefs holding my arthritic emotional and spiritual frames together.  The pain was agonizing yet essential to my healing. 

If you’ve ever cleaned out a pumpkin to make a jack-o-lantern you’ll envision a picture of what occurred in my heart and soul.  With messy, pungent gunk dripping down God’s elbows He scooped years of my adversary’s lies out of me.   He continued until nothing remained.  He gently carved away pieces that didn’t belong, crafting a work of art.  Finally He placed His light in me to shine.

Poisonous whispers no longer echo through my soul.  My DADDY spoke truth into me.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the Lord’s works are wonderful” ~Psalm 139:14

“…[God] rescued me because he delighted in me.”  ~Psalm 18:19

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” ~ Zephaniah 3:17

 “I rejoice over you, rejoice to do you good…” Jeremiah 32:41

In Jeremiah 32:41 God repeated the word REJOICE for emphasis.  What is amazing is the verb  REJOICE originally meant “to spin around with intense motion.”  

Can you picture it?  The little girl stands expectantly before her Daddy.  Arms outstretched, He picks her up and spins her with abandon.  In an instant, I am a child again, standing barefoot on my Daddy’s shoulders as he wildly spins me around.  Only this time, it is Abba Daddy who spins me with delight!

Watch this video and REJOICE with the One who REJOICES over YOU! 

Y O U    A R E    B E A U T I F U L !! 

Screams, Dreams & Stepping Out

My first night at the CAPTIVATING retreat concluded with a surprise “Joy Ride” in a golf cart on Mt. Princeton Trail.  The staffer {who specifically requested I not thank him publically by name} took me to a remote location with no artificial light, killed the little engine to the golf cart and told me “Look up, enjoy the diamonds in the night sky.” 

It would take me a few more days to understand the significance of his risk in lingering there, making sure I got the message the Designer of those twinkling jewels wanted me to grasp.   There in pitch darkness countless stars glistened like diamonds across black velvet.  It was breath-taking. 

The next morning, I woke feeling even more committed to lethargy and anonimity within a sea of female faces.  My bunk shared a wall with bathroom toilets on the other side, flushing all throughout the night. Consequently, I managed only two hours of sleep.  So much for ear plugs & Benadryl! {Where did I put that pistol??}

If anyone had told me that morning I’d willingly step off a 45 foot platform hooked up to a giant bungee with two other women, I would have asked them what they were smoking.  Up until that moment, I rather enjoyed my reputation as an “indoor girl”. 

{click on photos to enlarge} 

Jumping for JOY!

There’s a reason this is called “The Screamer”!  Scream, indeed.  I missed the seat and held on instead to the pole in front of me.  

 The adrenaline rush awakened a sleeping giant in me.  Two hours later I found myself navigating a 1/4″ wire and ropes course, a zip line and a second 45 foot platform where I jumped off while lunging for a trapeeze pole.  I caught it but not without serious tears of fright. 
Life on the Ropes

 By Saturday, the thrill junkie in me had signed up to climb a 14er and rappell down a 150 foot cliff.  I’m not sure I would have been so eager had I known in advance the charming trail disappeared 1/3 of the way up and I would have to pull myself  by rope up a rocky, steep climb to the top.  {Note the fray in one of the photos below!}  And I’m positive I wouldn’t have paid money for this adventure had I considered the possibility my body would be slammed into a jagged mountain, bruising myself like a week-old banana & fracturing a rib.  Ignorance truly is bliss. 

So why was I engaging in such madness?  I’m not really sure.  I think it had something to do with a whisper in my spirit reminding me that life is worth living…to the fullest…even when my heart is breaking and even when I’m sleep deprived. 

I had a sense that the extreme adrenaline rushes were a physical representation of what God was about to do in me spiritually.  Like drinking from a fire hose, my thirsty spirit was overwhelmed with all God orchestrated for me in the CAPTIVATING retreat.

Me? Captivating?

 

For a solo parent, escaping for 4 days is a luxury.  I entered the Ransomed Heart lottery for a spot at a very popular women’s retreat in the mountains of Colorado, never expecting to receive one of the highly coveted allotted slots.  But God whispered my name in an email…You have been selected to become CAPTIVATING. 

On those rare occasions when I do sneak off for more than an afternoon, I look for the quietest place I can find, the goal being to get alone with God, to listen for His voice.  On the 2 hour drive to Buena Vista, Colorado, I prepared to still my heart by singing hymns up the alphabet even as I wept over a fresh blow to my heart…All to Jesus I Surrender, Blessed Assurance, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Down at the Cross. 

Despite knowing that over 350 women from all over the world would also be attending, I still managed to convince myself I would keep pretty much to myself and focus on letting God heal raw emotions accompanying me on this trip.  I reasoned at the end of 4 days I would have processed…or buried…my pain and painted on a dutiful-Christian smile to disguise whatever lingered after I ran out of time to deal with the remainder.  I wasn’t in a position to give support to anyone else and in my sadness, I couldn’t bear the thought of exchanging simple pleasantries with strangers.   So, I vowed in my heart to remain subdued and anonymous.  In a crowd of this magnitude no one would notice.  I had come with baggage of more than the Samsonite variety.  I desperately wanted to empty the load and be rid of it.  Little did I realize that unpacking would take a form completely foreign to me including danger, extreme adrenaline rushes, some nasty bruises, even a cracked rib. 

I carted my belongings into a cabin with 10 bunk beds, praying silently that no one snored.  As if they read my mind, one woman mentioned she packed ear plugs in case we encountered a snorer in our midst.  A second woman boasted she brought Benadryl for the same reason.  Risking humor I chimed in dryly, “I brought my .38 snub nose.”  Nervous giggles followed.

Hurrying to follow the dinner bell, I joined in superficial, polite conversation over a meal served family style in a mess hall imitating a small turn-of-the-century frontier town.  Within an hour I found myself seated in an auditorium where I positioned myself near the front to soak in whatever the speaker had come to bless me with.

 “Your heart was created to mirror God’s.  You were created in His image,”   she began.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God, He created him; male & female He created them…” Genesis 1:27

“Great,” I thought, “we are going to zoom in on the heart in the first 30 seconds.”  I had hoped to slide into the message gently.   Stasi Eldredge posed a question stealing breath from me in the form of an audible gasp, “What is it that makes your heart come alive?”  Regaining my composure, my private response echoed through my soul, “Nothing.  My heart doesn’t feel alive nor do I want it to.  Love is too painful.  I’m keeping my heart locked up from here on out.  But thanks for asking.”  Apathy was the fig leaf disguising my anger and pain.  I forced a yawn and tried to tune out the speaker.

Moments later, a film trailer from Lion, Witch & the Wardrobe jolted me out of my dreary inattentiveness…  “Some journeys take us far from home…some adventures take us to our destiny”.

Then came another clip and quote from the movie Braveheart,  “Every man dies.  Not every man truly lives.”

Already God was rattling my armor-encased heart.  He didn’t bring me here to let me hide behind fallen autumn debris.  He wasn’t about to allow me to waste these 4 days.  In an auditorium of 350 women with 350 different stories in a dozen dialects and languages, God had plans specifically for me…to take me on an adventure which would lead me to my destiny.    {To be continued…}