slice of life – Page 4

Modern Miracles & Momma’s Multiple Myeloma

Sometimes God whispers. Other times, He shouts. Either way, He is still in the business of Miracles.

My precious mother is battling Multiple Myeloma–cancer in her blood and bones. In the past 4 days I’ve watched mother’s lab results go from one extreme to another, especially her white blood count/WBC.

Since the WBC measures white cells that fight infection in a body, a number lower than normal–4.0 to 10.0 in a healthy person–indicates compromised immunity. A typical cancer patient who undergoes the high dose chemo my mother received for 2 days prior to her stem cell transplant last Friday would be much lower. Her count had been dropping all week and was 2.2 the day of her transplant. The transplant team told my family it would continue downward, hit bottom after 2-3 days and she would be “stuck there” for at least 10-14 days before she would begin to recover. Thoroughly briefed on the horrible side effects that would plague mom during that time, we braced ourselves for the worst.

God had other plans. The day after mom’s transplant we expected to see her white blood count around 1.0. Instead it soared to 20.5! Our oncology nurses said they had never seen anything like it. They even called the lab to double-check and confirm the results. One oncologist called it, “very bizarre”. Another simply said, “Weird.” My family marveled as we prayed for mom’s WBC to remain high, hoping it would indicate God had chosen to heal mother in some miraculous way. The transplant team & doctor on call discouraged us from getting too excited, speculating that this was “a strange fluke” and the count would surely drop the next day.

Since then mom’s WBC has dropped everyday…from 20.5 to 7.7, 3.2, all the way to 0 today. She has, indeed “hit bottom”. What a difference a few days has made…watching her now in the thick of side-effects and pain, helpless to offer her any relief is the most agonizing thing I’ve ever experienced. With every tear she cries, I feel my heart being ripped out. Yet, I believe when mom’s WBC mysteriously spiked to more than twice that of a normal healthy person, God was shouting, “I AM ABLE”.

“Able to do immeasurably more that all we could ask or imagine according to His Power at work in us.” {Ephesians 3:20 NIV}

He did. And we almost missed it. We wanted Saturday’s high number to mean mom was healed. What we almost missed is God showed up in a mighty, yes miraculous way. It wasn’t the miracle we hoped for, the miracle of complete healing. But it was definitely a miracle. The Living God graced us with a personal manifestation of His presence, giving us a glimpse of His Power, encouraging our hearts in preparation for upcoming devastation and suffering. For one solitary day God did something extraordinary and exceptional in the Body of His precious saints.

In this journey of cancer we have continually prayed we would not miss God. Healing would be wonderful though we have yet to see if that is God’s plan for mother in the flesh. What we DO see is that He is here…“The LORD our God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” {Zephaniah 3:17}

He cares that my sweet mother is suffering. He is holding her when she cries in pain. Too, He is holding my fragmented heart. As I consider the events of the past 4 days, I’m coming to realize anew that whether we are in the highs of a mountaintop experience, unexplainable in human terms or at the lowest valley of human suffering and despair, GOD is still God. He is in complete control. And His Grace is sufficient…

“He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” {II Corinthians 12:9 NIV}

God’s compassion cannot fail and His mercies are new every morning.

“Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness {Lamentations 3:22-23 NIV}

On the ride from the Cancer Clinic to our little apartment this morning, my mother began singing, “Great is thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father. There is no shadow of turning with Thee. ALL I have needed Thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness, Lord unto me…”

Dancing on Daddy’s Feet: What it Means to Rejoice

We’ve all seen images of little girls dancing on their Daddy’s feet as he twirls them around. For me, the dance was at a higher elevation…my Daddy spun in circles with me perched on his shoulders.

Whatever form it takes, every little girl longs for her Daddy to notice her and take joy in her. The CAPTIVATING retreat confirmed what I learned long ago in mentoring young women…the core question of every woman since Eve has been, “Do you delight in me?” The question originates in the heart of every little girl prancing in her frilly pink dress in front of her Daddy, or in my case giggling in my bare feet standing on Daddy’s shoulders… excitedly anticipating him so enraptured with his daughter he cannot help but exclaim, “You are Beautiful!”

However a Daddy answers his daughter’s deep soul question sets the stage for how she interacts with men for the rest of her life.

My Daddy seized opportunities to feed my heart. Even as a little girl he told me I was beautiful. I wasn’t, at least not by any cultural standards of the day. Truthfully, I was a physical mess. Stringy, long orange-red hair. Freckles plastered all over my face. Thick, black-rimmed glasses. Scrawny body supported by match sticks posing as legs.

One evening I sprawled out on the living room floor in front of the television, mesmerized by the Miss America pageant. Daddy sat down beside me, rubbed my tangled hairs and declared, “Someday you’ll be up there on that stage.” His smile still radiates inside my mind though I saw it through tears of incredulous surprise. As ugly as I was in the world’s eyes, I felt beautiful, not because of what the world said about me but because of what Daddy KNEW. He knew my heart and in it he saw Beauty.

All my life I longed for a man who saw me as Daddy did. A man who looks beyond the temporal externals to my heart and soul. A man who embraces the Beauty in me, who delights in me with all his heart, who inspires me to believe again that I could grace life’s Miss America runway, not because of anything form-fitting or glittering with sequins, not because of anything I’ve smeared across my face or sweat off in the gym. But simply because in my soul, I mirror Jesus.

A woman’s experiences with men can leave her wounded into believing horrible things about herself. Somewhere amidst the years of my heart being abused and neglected, I began to accept as fact endless messages from my enemy about who I am and what I deserve. In every epic story the Villain goes after the Beauty. Satan presented me messages I accepted as fact and buried them deep within me. The brunt of those messages, “I am not enough,” and “No matter what I do, I will never be enough.” I dragged my woundedness into the CAPTIVATING retreat. On the outside I carried myself with Miss America poise but on the inside I walked with a debilitating limp.

“Man…or woman…though standing upright, is but a puff of wind, moving like a phantom.” ~Psalm 39:5b

“ I am poor and needy and my heart is wounded within me.” ~Psalm 109:22

Thankfully God loved me too much to leave me in that condition. Like a bone healing crooked is re-broken in order that the patient might regain full use of the limb, God beckoned me to break the false beliefs holding my arthritic emotional and spiritual frames together. The pain was agonizing yet essential to my healing.

If you’ve ever cleaned out a pumpkin to make a jack-o-lantern you’ll envision a picture of what occurred in my heart and soul. With messy, pungent gunk dripping down God’s elbows He scooped years of my adversary’s lies out of me. He continued until nothing remained. He gently carved away pieces that didn’t belong, crafting a work of art. Finally He placed His light in me to shine.

Poisonous whispers no longer echo through my soul. My DADDY spoke truth into me.

“I am fearfully and wonderfully made, the Lord’s works are wonderful” ~Psalm 139:14

“…[God] rescued me because he delighted in me.” ~Psalm 18:19

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” ~ Zephaniah 3:17

“I rejoice over you, rejoice to do you good…” Jeremiah 32:41

In Jeremiah 32:41 God repeated the word REJOICE for emphasis. What is amazing is the verb REJOICE originally meant “to spin around with intense motion.”

Can you picture it? The little girl stands expectantly before her Daddy. Arms outstretched, He picks her up and spins her with abandon. In an instant, I am a child again, standing barefoot on my Daddy’s shoulders as he wildly spins me around. Only this time, it is Abba Daddy who spins me with delight!

Watch this video and REJOICE with the One who REJOICES over YOU!

Y O U A R E B E A U T I F U L !!

Screams, Dreams & Stepping Out

My first night at the CAPTIVATING retreat concluded with a surprise “Joy Ride” in a golf cart on Mt. Princeton Trail. The staffer {who specifically requested I not thank him publically by name} took me to a remote location with no artificial light, killed the little engine to the golf cart and told me “Look up, enjoy the diamonds in the night sky.”

It would take me a few more days to understand the significance of his risk in lingering there, making sure I got the message the Designer of those twinkling jewels wanted me to grasp. There in pitch darkness countless stars glistened like diamonds across black velvet. It was breath-taking.

The next morning, I woke feeling even more committed to lethargy and anonimity within a sea of female faces. My bunk shared a wall with bathroom toilets on the other side, flushing all throughout the night. Consequently, I managed only two hours of sleep. So much for ear plugs & Benadryl! {Where did I put that pistol??}

If anyone had told me that morning I’d willingly step off a 45 foot platform hooked up to a giant bungee with two other women, I would have asked them what they were smoking. Up until that moment, I rather enjoyed my reputation as an “indoor girl”.

{click on photos to enlarge}

There’s a reason this is called “The Screamer”! Scream, indeed. I missed the seat and held on instead to the pole in front of me.

The adrenaline rush awakened a sleeping giant in me. Two hours later I found myself navigating a 1/4″ wire and ropes course, a zip line and a second 45 foot platform where I jumped off while lunging for a trapeeze pole. I caught it but not without serious tears of fright.

By Saturday, the thrill junkie in me had signed up to climb a 14er and rappell down a 150 foot cliff. I’m not sure I would have been so eager had I known in advance the charming trail disappeared 1/3 of the way up and I would have to pull myself by rope up a rocky, steep climb to the top. {Note the fray in one of the photos below!} And I’m positive I wouldn’t have paid money for this adventure had I considered the possibility my body would be slammed into a jagged mountain, bruising myself like a week-old banana & fracturing a rib. Ignorance truly is bliss.

So why was I engaging in such madness? I’m not really sure. I think it had something to do with a whisper in my spirit reminding me that life is worth living…to the fullest…even when my heart is breaking and even when I’m sleep deprived.

I had a sense that the extreme adrenaline rushes were a physical representation of what God was about to do in me spiritually. Like drinking from a fire hose, my thirsty spirit was overwhelmed with all God orchestrated for me in the CAPTIVATING retreat.