Tag: Stasi Eldredge

There’s Gonna Be a Wedding!

Attending a 4 day conference focusing almost entirely on romance was a shock to my system.  Like drinking water from a fire hose…that’s how I describe my experiences and emotions in the CAPTIVATING retreat.   

I know enough about God to unequivocally profess His love for me even in painful circumstances where I completely lack understanding.   I don’t doubt God or His presence as he carried me through some of the most excruciating journeys a human being could ever experience.  God’s love has never been in question for me.   Frankly, my doubts centered in the value of romantic love.  Pain from human relationships abated my desire for romance. 

My mindset venturing into the CAPTIVATING retreat dissuaded me.  ‘Romance feels too much like chasing a fantasy.’  It felt that way because that’s how it presents for most of us, a very elusive dream.  I raised the white flag, surrendering to the conclusion my desires for romance must be taken captive and imprisoned.

I reasoned love can take many forms.  I love Christ and He has given me compassion & a heart to serve His daughters.  I could devote my life continuing to serve in women’s ministries and find deep fulfillment therein.  Too, I have many meaningful platonic friendships with men.  I convinced myself that is enough, I can live without romance.  Mine was a noble and practical pursuit.  Love God, serve His children, be a good friend, forgo silly romantic notions.

But there stood Stasi Eldredge systematically…and Biblically…unraveling my commitment to live a life without romance.  Her words pierced me to the core.  “You were created for romance.  In fact, your deepest desires… to be pursued, fought for, cherished above all others…are where you bear the image of God.”   

My deepest desires are where I bear the image of God?  God desires romance?  What a foreign concept.

All my life I’ve heard and believed God loves me.  While a stretch for some people to grasp, it isn’t for me.  I have experienced the love of God much as I felt the love of my Daddy when I was a child.  I embrace the concept of Abba/Daddy, crawling up on his lap, pouring out my heart to Him and listening for His wise counsel.   I cherish my times alone with Abba.  I treasure Scriptures declaring my standing as a child of God.

The message of CAPTIVATING pulled me in a completely different direction.  This speaker challenged me to believe God loves me with a deep romantic love.  She even invoked Scriptures to back it up, ones I’d heard many times about being created in God’s image and God giving me the desires of my heart, i.e., putting desires into my heart.  {Genesis 1:27; Psalm 37:4}

For as long as I can remember I declined putting too much emphasis on romance.  I’m too practical to believe “Love conquers all.”  I know first-hand how much work relationships take and even then, heartache and pain always factor into the equation.

To expect any man to provide a font of endless romance is unrealistic and unfair to men.   For that very reason, I purposefully renounced chick flicks years ago.  All those Hollywood scenes of impure fantasy stirred up longings impossible for a mere mortal to fulfill.

 If I wasn’t in a relationship with a man, watching Jack & Rose in Titanic created longings for something out of reach.  Ensuing dissatisfaction disgruntled me and my prayer life became one on-going gripe session…  “God, when are you going to bring me a nice man?  Don’t you realize how long I’ve waited?  Do you care that I am bearing all life’s burdens alone or that I have no one to share life’s Joys with?”  

If I was in a relationship, scenes from The Notebook rendered me frustrated.  My man didn’t devote every ounce of his being to me like Noah did for his beloved Allie.  Guess who I took that frustration out on??

I can’t adequately articulate the significance of the moment God’s romance candle first flickered inside my heart.  I realized if my heart bears the image of God’s heart, it must be true…He too, longs for romance as much or more than I do.  AND if GOD is the One who put the desire for romance in my heart, He would never give a desire which endlessly frustrates me or offers no possibility of being fulfilled.  Only a cruel God would do such a thing.  I have walked with the Lord long enough to know He could never be cruel. 

The missing link…

In the course of the CAPTIVATING retreat I felt the Holy Spirit telling me my desires are not wrong but where I go to with those desires continually causes me pain and grief.  How many times have I taken my longings to a false lover?  All the years following the dissolution of my marriage, I carried secret pride in managing to remain pure in my body.  Yet purity of heart escaped me.  I peddled my hungering for love and acceptance, my longings to be delighted in, to men who could never meet those deep desires of my soul. 

For days the speaker communicated romance was God’s idea.  All things I consider romantic…flowers, moonlight, sweet fragrances, soft music, a gentle kiss, the sound of ocean waves or a waterfall, the sight of twinkling stars…those were created by God.  Romance was not only God’s idea, it is His constant gift all around me! 

For years my Lord patiently waited, wooing me while I embraced a fantasy.  He pursued me with fields of wild flowers, love songs of birds outside my window greeting my mornings, romantic whispers of ocean waves, moonlight and gentle rain to caress my skin, breezes to tenderly kiss my face, aspen leaves wildly applauding my presence, glorious sunsets across a breath-taking mountainous landscape and diamonds in the night sky beckoning me to choose one for my engagement ring from the Creator of the universe!

 In all of creation, God continually shouts, “I LOVE YOU! YOU HAVE CAPTIVATED MY HEART!”

In designing me in His image, He crafted a heart longing to be romanced, pursued, fought for and cherished. He created me with desires for deep intimacy. He would not gift me intense desires without a means to fulfill them.  Jesus Christ was…and is…that fulfillment.  He is not only the Author of my love story, He is the Hero.  God is a Hopeless Romantic.   Even more amazing, He DESIRES ME.  He is the Lover of my Soul.  

Though precious the title “child of God”, my Creator did not stop there.  In a mystery unexplainable in human words, God declares I am His BELOVED BRIDE. 

“You shall be called by a new name which the Lord shall pronounce with His own lips.  You will be a glorious crown in the Lord’s hands.” ~ Isaiah 62:2

“The Lord has acknowledged you as wife, once deserted and heart-broken, Your God Has Called You BRIDE…” ~Isaiah 54:6

“Let me rejoice in the Lord with all my heart…He has robed me in salvation as a garment and clothed me in integrity as a cloak…like a BRIDE decked in her jewels…” ~Isaiah 61: 10

“For as a young man weds a maiden, so shall you wed Him who rebuilds you and your God shall rejoice over you as a bridegroom rejoices over his Bride.” ~Isaiah 62:5

In the words of Tim Reimherr in his song, More Than Ashes, “There’s gonna be a wedding.  It’s the reason I am living, to marry the Lamb…”

additional info/recommended reading/listening http://www.crazylovebook.com/videos_chapter.html 

Me? Captivating?

 

For a solo parent, escaping for 4 days is a luxury.  I entered the Ransomed Heart lottery for a spot at a very popular women’s retreat in the mountains of Colorado, never expecting to receive one of the highly coveted allotted slots.  But God whispered my name in an email…You have been selected to become CAPTIVATING. 

On those rare occasions when I do sneak off for more than an afternoon, I look for the quietest place I can find, the goal being to get alone with God, to listen for His voice.  On the 2 hour drive to Buena Vista, Colorado, I prepared to still my heart by singing hymns up the alphabet even as I wept over a fresh blow to my heart…All to Jesus I Surrender, Blessed Assurance, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Down at the Cross. 

Despite knowing that over 350 women from all over the world would also be attending, I still managed to convince myself I would keep pretty much to myself and focus on letting God heal raw emotions accompanying me on this trip.  I reasoned at the end of 4 days I would have processed…or buried…my pain and painted on a dutiful-Christian smile to disguise whatever lingered after I ran out of time to deal with the remainder.  I wasn’t in a position to give support to anyone else and in my sadness, I couldn’t bear the thought of exchanging simple pleasantries with strangers.   So, I vowed in my heart to remain subdued and anonymous.  In a crowd of this magnitude no one would notice.  I had come with baggage of more than the Samsonite variety.  I desperately wanted to empty the load and be rid of it.  Little did I realize that unpacking would take a form completely foreign to me including danger, extreme adrenaline rushes, some nasty bruises, even a cracked rib. 

I carted my belongings into a cabin with 10 bunk beds, praying silently that no one snored.  As if they read my mind, one woman mentioned she packed ear plugs in case we encountered a snorer in our midst.  A second woman boasted she brought Benadryl for the same reason.  Risking humor I chimed in dryly, “I brought my .38 snub nose.”  Nervous giggles followed.

Hurrying to follow the dinner bell, I joined in superficial, polite conversation over a meal served family style in a mess hall imitating a small turn-of-the-century frontier town.  Within an hour I found myself seated in an auditorium where I positioned myself near the front to soak in whatever the speaker had come to bless me with.

 “Your heart was created to mirror God’s.  You were created in His image,”   she began.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God, He created him; male & female He created them…” Genesis 1:27

“Great,” I thought, “we are going to zoom in on the heart in the first 30 seconds.”  I had hoped to slide into the message gently.   Stasi Eldredge posed a question stealing breath from me in the form of an audible gasp, “What is it that makes your heart come alive?”  Regaining my composure, my private response echoed through my soul, “Nothing.  My heart doesn’t feel alive nor do I want it to.  Love is too painful.  I’m keeping my heart locked up from here on out.  But thanks for asking.”  Apathy was the fig leaf disguising my anger and pain.  I forced a yawn and tried to tune out the speaker.

Moments later, a film trailer from Lion, Witch & the Wardrobe jolted me out of my dreary inattentiveness…  “Some journeys take us far from home…some adventures take us to our destiny”.

Then came another clip and quote from the movie Braveheart,  “Every man dies.  Not every man truly lives.”

Already God was rattling my armor-encased heart.  He didn’t bring me here to let me hide behind fallen autumn debris.  He wasn’t about to allow me to waste these 4 days.  In an auditorium of 350 women with 350 different stories in a dozen dialects and languages, God had plans specifically for me…to take me on an adventure which would lead me to my destiny.    {To be continued…}