The Myth of “The One” guest blog

My friend John P. posted this as a comment in my Oct 2010, “Test Driving Your Relationship” blog.   I couldn’t let his profound analysis & powerful exhortation remain buried in obscurity.  It’s worth reading…several times. 

The ‘one,’ the soul mate, is a myth, and a damaging one at that. Boy meets the one. Girl meets the one. They get married and realize their spouse is not the one. They have missed God’s perfect plan and doomed to live Plan B while the one is out there somewhere. This is a bad scenario and must be avoided by having God reveal whom he has chosen for us. We refuse the wisdom He offers, choosing to abdicate decision making and so we wait, and wait, and wait for God to make the decision for us. 
God does not have a perfect match for us (other than Himself). Have you seen the church? God does not even have a perfect match for Himself!

You want a Biblical marriage? Get over the myth of what you think a perfect plan looks like, find a real man or woman with a heart after God who is willing to walk a REAL journey with a real, live-able, workable faith and love. Prune your affections from those things that dull discernment and seek to fill your soul with things other than God. Know whom God is calling you to be, whom He is pruning you to be, what sacrifices He requires of you to become the man or woman of God that He has put as centermost in your heart to become. Is this potential mate compatible with your journey? Are you compatible with theirs?
God does indeed love you more than you could ever imagine, but He does not have a perfect plan (and a perfect spouse as a major component of that perfect plan) for your life. Well, theoretically He might, but it will never get enacted in this life on earth, because the shoes are too big for our imperfect feet to walk in. Our feet and legs are too small to take those large, perfect strides. We don’t need a perfect plan, or a perfect match. We need to be imperfect, earthen vessels of divine grace to one another as we work out our Salvation. His part of that walk is perfect: ours … not so much.
I wish God would make all my decisions for me, or at least the biggies: spouse, career, education, iPhone vs. Android. As a good parent, our Father seems much more interested in training us to walk in wisdom, stretching us to think His thoughts, transforming us to love the things He loves, than He does in how well we perform in carrying out some perfect agenda. He treasures our imperfect decision making and in true God-like fashion, redeems our scribblings as He incorporates them into the masterpiece of His creation. Joining our imperfect lives, imperfect decisions and imperfect mates to His perfect Son is an act of faith. He is the great Redeemer, not just for forgiveness, but imparting to us the Holy Spirit, travelling this imperfect life with us as we are transformed and led into the complete (and perfect) fullness of fellowship with God.
We are fickle creatures. There will always come along another who grabs us as being prettier, smarter, kinder, richer, more loving, spiritual, and who will never grow old or have morning breath. The flesh is stupid that way, always chasing after some idol, something better. What if a nicer vessel does come along? And it will! Whether it truly is, or only imagined, does not matter. You will believe it to be so. Accept the inevitable and plan ahead to just get over it. God is infinitely perfect, wondrous and beautiful beyond compare and yet our eyes light up for the things of this world all the time. – Prone to wander, Lord I fear it. Yet, in faith, I am not paralyzed. I keep turning my heart and face toward home.
Do you delight in your prospective mate? Good. Do you delight in the One whom this vessel contains? Excellent. In loving this vessel, are you able to fill and be filled with God’s love for them and for you? The wine of His love, my friend, is the real treasure. Over time it will transform the vessel from within.
Do you have a God birthed desire to be poured out in sacrificial love for this person? Choose wisely, asking and expecting God to give you wisdom, not decisions. The one whom you choose will prune you deeply. You should have a pretty good idea of what things in your life, and in their life, will be lopped off, and what things will flourish as a result of that pruning.
How long does this take? It all depends. Are one or both of you going through a major transition in life: entering adulthood, graduation, career change, freedom from chemical dependency, emotional breakthrough, parenthood, break-up, empty nest, divorce, death, spiritual rebirth? If so your needs at the moment may be way out of proportion than what for you is ‘normal life.’ If you or your loved one are ‘in love,’ twitterpated, high on the good, good feelings of limerance (the feeling of falling in love), then you really don’t know one another when sober. This is no time to be making life-long covenants. Give the feelings, the natural chemical high, time to return to a normal state. Do you love yourself and your prospective mate for whom they are and for whom God is calling each to be? Or are either of you just in love with how you feel about life and yourself when high on limerance? Limerance makes the critical person gush with positive things to day and the gloomy person vibrant with optimism – they are finally happy with themselves and they love you for it. For a season -a very short season. The season of limerance passes, the criticism and gloom that they despise in themselves returns and they realize that they ‘missed God,’ you are not ‘the one’ He prepared as part of His perfect plan for their life.
There is only one, “The One,” and that is the Lord Himself. The Holy Spirit is your only true Soul Mate. May the Lord grant you wisdom and insight as together you discern how joining your life with another will change you both and aide or hinder God’s calling on your lives.


Published by

DiAnna Steele

Child of God, Follower of Jesus, Sister in Christ, Friend to the lost...

10 thoughts on “The Myth of “The One” guest blog”

  1. I agree with this and have lived much of it. Wise words, however, I would like to address one point. I feel Our Lord does have a perfect plan for our lives, as I believe the sovereignty of God is Biblical, established, and practical. I will even say it’s a big part of what I personally hang my hat on for life. It helps, ecourages, and even sustains my trust in the Lord. It is the renewal from the painful life experiences that is pivotal in deepening the foundations of faith. This obviously does not mean all of my desicions are good, far from it. But what it does is closen my relationship with Him and allows me to learn and grow through my life that God has predetermined. Actually, I believe it is part of the sanctification process. This still allows the entirity of your first paragraph to be true about how we are to first seek a person who is in love with God. Two people seeking God will allow our focus, trust, and expectations to be on Him rather than each other.

  2. Hi Di,
    This posting is outstanding! Please thank John P. for me. Is this the same John who posted the earlier guest blog on test-driving from a guy’s perspective? I’m wondering cuz this one seems a little less cave-manish. 🙂

  3. Nice to see this site is still blessing folks with quality content. This time last week I was sharing turkey and cranberry sauce with my former love and answering the 5 questions from the test drive article. I think we are on the road to recovery of our relationship. I can’t thank you enough! Give my thanks to Paul from Texas too. Much gratitude!

  4. John, you wrote, ” If you or your loved one are ‘in love,’ twitterpated, high on the good, good feelings of limerance (the feeling of falling in love), then you really don’t know one another when sober. This is no time to be making life-long covenants. Give the feelings, the natural chemical high, time to return to a normal state.”
    What is a normal state? I’ve been with the same man for 8 months and I’m still on a high from him. The more I learn about him the higher my high. Are you saying this isn’t ‘normal’?

  5. Hi Andrea,

    I envy you. (If I were permitted to envy 😉 So, congratulations!

    Falling in love is very normal, it is just not the typical emotional state of where we have lived and will live most of life. The only thing better than falling in love, is being rooted in love. We use the word ‘high’ for a reason; we are soaring way above where we normally work, live and play. If you both knew each other for quite a while before falling in love, then you have an idea of what each of you are like outside that high where everything is beautiful and life is grand. If you met, then fell quickly in love, it would be wise to give yourselves some time to come back down to earth and walk together awhile through some of the hills and valleys of life before making things permanent.

    It is highly ironic for me to be telling others to slow down. Easy to say, hard to do. May the Lord grant you awareness and wisdom into the lasting nature of the proven character that each of you hold.


  6. John, Thanks for your reply. I think your right about those feelings of love not being where we live most of our lives. We aren’t giddy 24/7 and our eyes are wide open and fully aware of each others shortcomings. I’ve never been married and thought I was destined to remain single. I waited so long for a healthy relationship I am on a high to have finally found one. This is more of a high that comes when I realize I finally have someone I respect and love and who loves and cherishes me in return. That being said, your advice to go slow is very wise.

  7. ~”The only thing better than falling in love, is being rooted in love.”
    This is such a powerful statement I keep reading it over & over to let it sink in. I think I get it.

    John, I’ve waited to comment on your guest blog because I wanted to hear from others. But I have to let you know that everything you wrote resonates with me. Pruning affections from those things that dull discernment is an ongoing challenge. As you wrote, we are indeed fickle creatures. But I am learning…even in a very guarded state…what it means to delight in another and to be delighted in by someone special. As we both walk with our faces turned toward Christ there’s security in knowing neither of us is looking around after “some idol, something better…a nicer vessel.” I’ll trade confidence in a solid relationship for limerance anyday. Not to say we don’t get giddy…and it would be so easy to secumb to those giddy feelings…but how much more beautiful to discover what it is for both of us to be deeply rooted in God’s love. Thank you for helping me to grasp the difference. Your heart is a treasure and your words wise. Thanks for sharing both.

  8. I jusr read the testdriving blogs again. I almost get why guy’s hold out for someone better, prettier, shaplier. I think its time a guy writes and explains why a man would dump a beautiful, spiritual, intelligent, funny, classy woman who treats him like a king for a woman who has none of those qualities. I saw your ex with his new GF. She doesn’t hold a candle to you. Come to think of it she’s more masculine looking than he is. What is he thinking? He’s an idiot.

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